I made a mistake.

18 Apr

I haven’t blogged in a while and I’m so not sorry.

About a month ago my grand-maman Alice was hospitalized and she passed away last sunday. If you know me at all, you know I don’t handle stress particularly well and am easily overwhelmed – so if things are going well, I feel as though I have time for cleaning, and blogging, and making myself healthy lunches and hanging out with friends. When I feel stressed, I feel overwhelmed, and sorry to say blogosphere – you’re the last on my list of shit-I-need-to-do.

I would love to write a post about how cool my grand-maman was. I’ve been blessed to have been very close with both my grandmas and loved them both very much. I even got to live with them both during my life! My Grand-maman Alice is pretty much one of the most remarkable women I have ever known – and no, I’m not just saying that because she’s my grand-maman and I’m biased. She actually was an indisputably remarkably awesome woman who was WAY advanced for her time. However, I’m still a bit too upset and things are bit too raw for me to write a post without it coming out as stupendously sappy and so cheesy it’s almost not vegan. So I will hold off on that post for a while.

Maybe it’s the stress talking right now, but I will come out and just say this. I think I made a mistake. I don’t think I should have become a nurse.

I love nursing. The job itself rules. However, I hate nursing short-staffed. Which is always.

I am still struggling to comprehend how a job so awesome can quickly become the shittiest (sometimes literally) job on the planet. Most shifts I don’t get my breaks because I have to choose between providing good nursing care to my patients or taking my lunch. If I do get a break, I can only take half of it. I never get paid for working through my breaks, never get paid for having to stay late to chart on the 20 patients who were put into isolation in one single night (Fuck you Noro Virus!) – I can never find parking, I’m not even allowed to get FREE parking for my own job, and they call me at all hours offering me over-time shifts which I feel guilty turning down. And of course there are all the other nurses who keep it together, work overtime shifts three days per week and never complain. I wish I could be one of them, but I’m not. I need 8 hours of sleep, I need time to myself, and dammit, I need to eat my effing lunch.

I also feel like it’s chipping away at parts of my personality that I like. For one thing, I am WAY less empathetic. No nurse starts her career wanting to be the bitchy one. We all want to be the best nurse our patient has ever had. The one who very rarely fucks up, and takes the extra time to give hand massages with bed baths (would you believe I actually learned this in school !?). The reality is that you will never have enough staff to pull that off. Ever. I cut corners every day. I know it’s wrong, and I feel guilty about it all the time, but the truth is that if I don’t, I will never leave on time, I will never again know what having a break feels like, and I will lose my fucking mind. They told me in school it would be like this. For some reason, it doesn’t sink in until you live it. Sure, I thought I knew what it was about after 12 weeks of preceptorship. 12 weeks is nothing. I’ve been doing it now for 9 months non-stop and I just can’t do this anymore.

This year, I’ve been sicker than I ever have in my life. I have high blood pressure (stress related), my knees are always swollen (stress related, and proof of my lack of breaks and having to stand for 8 hours without end), I’m very fatigued (stress) and I’ve gained weight (stress). Enough is enough! I need to take care of ME first.

Unfortunately, I have no clue what else i would want to do with my life.

thoughts?

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